tonight, for the first time, i not only felt bad for being me, i also felt bad for not being someone else.

oh how i long for a loving embrace from you!
to hear you 'sing' to me again!
i wish for one more moment i could stare at you in your most innocent form!
oh how i long to see your face!!!!!!


i'm sappy and when that happens... i write poorly!!! (see above)

i find myself obsessing over a particular order, which allows me to know that i, infact, do mean less to you now than i did under a week ago. and sadly, less than a year ago today...

facade... a showy misrepresentation intended to conceal something unpleasant...
the unpleasent thing is that even though this is little more than the smallest of my worries, i can't get past it... it consumes me, drowns me, drags me down...

one travels from point a all the way through until z. i seem to be stuck at r and at the same time a...
my incompetence seems to be deriving from a single source and then engulfing every area of my life, which seems more pathetic as i travel down its road

wonderful times run through me as memories but more so as possiblities... i dont want my own time, i need to share my time... for, again as i travel to my final destination, i see the road getting shorter and shorter and shorter still... the end is near dearest... please consider this.

i have curly hair, i am right handed, my favourtie colour is white, i've never wanted to grow up and finallyi realize i have been grown for many years now, i know how to dance and play fiddle, i can't wait to dance the next time the time is right, i love animals, my eyes are green, my eyelashes are long, my birthday is this sunday, i'm more intelligent than you think, i have loved very few things in my life, i have dislike most of life, this just isn't my year and more so my week, i cant really play the saxophone, i cant really do anything much better than most people, i like make up and hairspray, i have signs in my room, i have weak wrists and finally i'm going to live past this and many other problems, especially since there is a number of prolbems each and every day...

this is me and you can think what you'd like...


i can't say i'm happy and to be honest, i'm not sure i have even the slightest chance of ever being happy in the same way again...

i'm better after it all...

thankyou

my thoughts which you think are deep are really little more than teenage agnst expressed through beauty.
i sit alone at the stream side crying and tossing rocks into the water.
the water which so slowly flows at the shore yet rushes over the rocks in the center.
though the river said nothing to me its beauty was expressed.
i felt at peace at the side of the stream, i felt an unexplainable sense of belonging,
as though i ought to walk through the water going wherever it may lead.

instead i was angry at it for its sheer beauty.
i through rocks with such ease and near delight but truly, i was hoping to gain some of the streams appeal.
surrounded by the breezes and warmed by the sun i was angry.
i wished i had the ability to write a song and show the worl the beauty of that moment in time.
if i had a song i'd never be able to forget what i saw and felt at the side of that small stream
if only i had the time to sit and paint, then perhaps others would see the same things i saw.
the beauty of a young tree trying to grow upwards when the shadows of thousands of people kept it down.
when the right words can escape me and allow me to release this feeling within me, people may begin to understand
until all of this is capable i didn't care

why would i want to walk around and see the near fercetion of every blade of grass and every feather of the bird?
why would i want to experiance something that would change me for all time, as long as i could remember
wouldn't it be worse to know that i was there and i did it but to not remember every feeling?
that in itself is touture of the worst kind.
if my thoughts, ideas, feelings and memories could not live on forever and, even moreso, couldn't touch the life of another, than i dont want to experiance it.

to see the world through the, soon-to-be, 3 by 5 photo frame, to hide behind the camera is all i ask for.
when the tears in my eyes are hidden my the camera, i'm content.
the tears which appear for several reasons all of which are different: the sights and sounds, the people, the person, the anxiety, the longing, the pain in the my side, the sheer brilliance of the sun...
no one saw that, they saw the quick flash and then heard the advance of 35 mm film.

i need to get out of here,
forget you all and come back innocent and memory free.

i've changed and i truly pity those of you who will never notice, never understand.
everything truly is beautiful, expecially through simplicity.
walking in the rain and taking photo's of you children at play.
i think this is what i want to do with my life,
i want to do something where people can appreciate the ideas and perhaps the beauty, but they also understand they too, can do the same thing.
i want no admiration in my life,
instead, i want a dark room, with the red lighting and everything.
relying on talents is the way of the proud and weak.
relying on the proper lighting, the shudder and basic luck is the adventurers way.

this is going to be so hard for you, harder for you than for me.
i'm in love, with you and me with myself and with simplicity and the future.

come and follow me and well catch fireflies and walk through waterfalls...

*watch your step*

i've changed, i dont like what i thought i did!
i like exclamation marks and i like when you write me letters!
i'm excited to read it!
bed time though!

hears to tomorrow!

i'm sitting here in the lobby...
i can here the clock ticking.
...i can also hear the sound of the clock in the hall.

i can't say things are poor, mainly due to the fact they aren't
i'm going to go write and think and nearly talk to myself.

see you

call me

i'm tired and sore but fuck, i'm a happy kid!

i feel like the same kid who went through the learn to read book and checked off the items she enjoyed!
grape juice, pudding and grilled cheese. the meal fit for the childhood queen.

simplistic as it may be, i'm good again!
i just wish everyone could say the same!

HAPPY DANCE!